you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
