don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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