i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
