I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no, he came in my armpit
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
