Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
