just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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