i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
