I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
someone get that fucking seahorse.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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