We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
