I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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