I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
