Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
