You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
