I bet he comes in French.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
