I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
