I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
