The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
