guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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