it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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