I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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