I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
