my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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