i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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