I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
