How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
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Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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