Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
why do cheetos always look like penises
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
