Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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