Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
