I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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