Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You have to summon your inner elephant
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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