I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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