Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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