Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize