i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
