i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
