Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
