would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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