i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
