yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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