guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I deserve this hangover.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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