A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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