we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
