so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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