thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
look no pants
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
