She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
