Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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