You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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