also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
