So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
