SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
