I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
