Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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