I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
