i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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