I wannas sexs uuuuu
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Who died my cat blue again?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
