My cat gives me a boner
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
