I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
