Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
