Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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